Being a Good Friend

So the past couple of weeks have really opened my eyes to all the "friendships" I have created here in NYC. I think I was under the grand illusion that these people that I would do anything for would equally do anything for me. However, I'm slowly learning that perhaps I consider myself to be good friends with someone before we actually are. I think is the same problem that I've been having with my relationships. I either want to go to fast or take it to the friendzone waiting too long. Yet, that post is for another time entirely. Maybe after I've had a glass of wine...or a bottle.

No this post is not for relationships, such as boyfriend boyfriend, but for relationships with friends. In the past week I've realized that I have really three great friends out here in the city, that although I don't think they would do ANYTHING for me I believe that would do most anything, and at the very least have my back if needed. Then after that I would say that I have about six or seven really close friends that I talk to on a daily basis that I would say I would do anything for but because the friendship is newish I don't know if that would be returned. After that I think the there are some people who I used to consider really really close friends that have drifted away for some reason or another and now things are uncomfortable even if we say we are fine. I don't know if its me, or them, or just that feelings have been hurt and that time is just going to have to heal those wounds.

All in all I think this has been a real life lesson for me. Not to jump into a friendship too fast, don't just make this connection that on the surface looks amazing but when you get down to it wasn't really anything and hurts even more because of it. Being a good friend means being able to put in the time and effort a relationship needs in order to continue and grow. I'm guilty of not putting in some of that time and effort but I'm also equally guilty of putting in too much. I guess we'll just see if I can find the balance.

Goals for Me

So I haven't really kept up with this blogging thing. No one really follows me so its not that I'm upsetting anyone but I think that I can use this as a way to just process my life and explore what it is that I really want to get out of life. I don't care if people think that people who blog about what their thinking is stupid. I just need an outlet to try and use what it is that I'm experiencing in my life and what I'm to see where it is I want to go and what I want to do. So since it was my birthday last week naturally this is what I do. I spend then next week or so just in this funk processing all of the things that I have accomplished in the past year and what is that I would like to accomplish in the next 12 months before I turn 22 and am about to graduate. So that is what I have decided to use this blog as, a way to track my goals and my life and see if I'm on the right track. So today I'm going to post my goals. And every time that I feel that I feel that I am on my way to accomplishing that goal or if something happens that I think is helping me to achieve that goal I'm going to post an update here. So lets get started. Hopefully this will give me the momentum to keep going to actually accomplish my goals.

Goals:

1. Get in shape for a triathlon and compete

2. Pay of half of my credit card debt (I know as a 21 year old I shouldn't have much credit card debt, but I do so this is a huge goal for me).

3. Take a trip back to Paris - there are so many people there that I want to see again and who I really really miss

4. Get to Abu Dabi and see my Gaby - this obviously depends on the two before it.

5. Be happier, what ever this is to mean....having a boyfriend, being loved by family and friends, or just finding out what it is that I want to do with my life.

This goals are vague now, but I'm hoping that in the next 12 months I can figure out how to make them more specific and by blogging find out why it is that I am in such a funk right now.

Lets see how this goes!!!

Not Sure

The past month back here at NYU and NYC has been an interesting one. I have realized that this is definitely the place that I want to spend a good portion of the rest of my life, however Paris is still grabbing tight to my heart and won't let go. I have been going through a lot of perspective changes lately causing me to accumulate more and more frustration towards the world. I don't want to be that person who hates the world and thinks that it is conspiring against him, I just want to be happy and stop chasing things in life that just don't work for me. I'm starting this blog in order to release some of that frustration and perhaps to understand myself better.

I thought that by spending the year in Paris last year I would have all this time to figure myself out and get to know who I really am and what makes me most happy. Yet, here I am a year later and only a few steps closer to figuring out what I want in life. I spent most of the summer realizing that I hate small towns and although they have their place for some kids in helping them to grow up and blossom and make a difference and give them the confidence to think they can do anything (which it certainly did for me) I still think that after the highschool phase it should be done, I shouldn't have to deal with the bullshit of everyone knowing everyone's business now that I've gotten away.

Although I regret most things from this summer, the one thing I don't regret is dating Emily. I had a great summer with her this summer and although I know she had a great summer with me also I think the one thing I would do different is that I wouldn't have poured my heart and soul into that relationship. I love Emily and always will but because of that relationship I know that I'm going to be less likely to take someone into my life like I did with her. Whether its a good thing or a bad thing I have yet to find out. But I'm not going to say that us apart is a good thing. I was happy and comfortable, I like having that someone special in your life that is unlike anyone else and gets you on a different level that you don't think anyone else could. I know I'm going to move on its just going to be hard.

I'm also frustrated with life right now because in order to even have money for the metro I have to work two jobs. How is this fair?? It isn't, and I know what your thinking, "Well life isn't fair." Sure thats true but for people like me who work their asses off and still come up short how can you say that that is just what happens. It BLOWS!!! I am missing out on reconnecting with this community at NYU that I love so much because I have to work every weekend night just so I can pay my bills and be somewhat financially responsible. I hate to be seen as a charity case which is part of the reason why I do work two jobs so that I can have money and not worry about going to 16 handles at 10:30 at night for a little homework pick me up. But at the same time, I feel like that in going to NYU I have put myself in the position that for the next 10 years I'm going to be playing a huge game of catch up.......where is the finish line??