Not Sure

The past month back here at NYU and NYC has been an interesting one. I have realized that this is definitely the place that I want to spend a good portion of the rest of my life, however Paris is still grabbing tight to my heart and won't let go. I have been going through a lot of perspective changes lately causing me to accumulate more and more frustration towards the world. I don't want to be that person who hates the world and thinks that it is conspiring against him, I just want to be happy and stop chasing things in life that just don't work for me. I'm starting this blog in order to release some of that frustration and perhaps to understand myself better.

I thought that by spending the year in Paris last year I would have all this time to figure myself out and get to know who I really am and what makes me most happy. Yet, here I am a year later and only a few steps closer to figuring out what I want in life. I spent most of the summer realizing that I hate small towns and although they have their place for some kids in helping them to grow up and blossom and make a difference and give them the confidence to think they can do anything (which it certainly did for me) I still think that after the highschool phase it should be done, I shouldn't have to deal with the bullshit of everyone knowing everyone's business now that I've gotten away.

Although I regret most things from this summer, the one thing I don't regret is dating Emily. I had a great summer with her this summer and although I know she had a great summer with me also I think the one thing I would do different is that I wouldn't have poured my heart and soul into that relationship. I love Emily and always will but because of that relationship I know that I'm going to be less likely to take someone into my life like I did with her. Whether its a good thing or a bad thing I have yet to find out. But I'm not going to say that us apart is a good thing. I was happy and comfortable, I like having that someone special in your life that is unlike anyone else and gets you on a different level that you don't think anyone else could. I know I'm going to move on its just going to be hard.

I'm also frustrated with life right now because in order to even have money for the metro I have to work two jobs. How is this fair?? It isn't, and I know what your thinking, "Well life isn't fair." Sure thats true but for people like me who work their asses off and still come up short how can you say that that is just what happens. It BLOWS!!! I am missing out on reconnecting with this community at NYU that I love so much because I have to work every weekend night just so I can pay my bills and be somewhat financially responsible. I hate to be seen as a charity case which is part of the reason why I do work two jobs so that I can have money and not worry about going to 16 handles at 10:30 at night for a little homework pick me up. But at the same time, I feel like that in going to NYU I have put myself in the position that for the next 10 years I'm going to be playing a huge game of catch up.......where is the finish line??